Letter to the Person Who Stole My Purse Yesterday

Dear Degenerate Asshole Madam:

Yesterday you hit the jackpot. You scored yourself a Louis Vuitton Batignolles bag! Congratulations! Oh, you don't know what that is? Its the fine-ass purse you stole off the back of some distracted, unsuspecting woman's chair yesterday. That woman would be me, and I'm fucking enraged slightly miffed.

Yes, I understand that you probably needed the cash in my wallet for your next meth fix diapers. I get that; really, I do. But couldn't your skanky ass you have just taken the cash and left the wallet? I've had it for six years; it's one of the few things I bought for myself at the market in Florence. The zipper doesn't even reliably work anymore, but it's filled with memories.

Yes, I know that you thought my credit cards would come in handy. But I had those cancelled before you made it to the corner store for your Mickey's Malt Liqor and cigarettes, bitch school supplies. And the DMV knows my driver's license number was stolen, so the driver's license won't do you a damn bit of good, even if by some miracle you looked even slightly like me or thought of stealing my identity. (But I know you weren't planning that, silly.) You can use my Kroger Shopping Rewards card if you'd like, though. I didn't cancel it.

Yes, I realize that you think my purse looks fantastic with your crack whore chic wardrobe. However, that purse will never hold memories for you. You'll never be able to say your husband picked it out all on his own one Christmas, then sent you on a scavenger hunt to find it, filled with Butterfingers, at the end. But you'll have memories, too, girl. Like, remember that one time I saw that woman minding her own business at Subway and she forgot her purse and so I stole that mofo? Those were the days!

Oh, yes, I'm certain that my son's Nintendo DS will make one of your young 'uns very happy. But what will the other five think of you playing favorites? Oh, I know; just tell them they can have something out of the next purse you steal. That will fix everything.

Thank you for making my life a nightmare for a few days, having to have my car towed and re-chipped because you now have my damn car keys, having to have my safety deposit box drilled out because you now have my damn bank key, and having to change the locks on my house because you now have my address and my fucking house key, too!

Fuck off and die,
Lori

P.S. I really and sincerely hope that karma is real and that you will be reincarnated as a pubic louse living on a meth addict.

Comments

[Travis]

....and pow right in the kisser lol, great verbal beatdown

[not very anon mom]

oh man! don't you really, really wish that meth face would read this???

that really sucks for you, i'm so sorry that happened to you - but it sure made for an eloquent post.

[Byrningbunny]

How can you be so funny when you are so pissed off? I've missed reading blog!! It sucks when your purse (life) is stolen.

[roxy]

thank you someone stold my louis vuiton today i acidently let it in the bathroom money credit cards im pissed and i think and hpe karma is good im sad howeer that purse was my life they tried to use it annd i know were and when its on tommarow when i go see the camera footage at the gas station thanks lori

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[chanel Purses]

which are another example of what some people call the "lexicalist hypothesis", a view that has occasionally -- but erroneously -- been inferred from some previous writings of mine. Since my linguistic creativity is infinite, I can categorically state that there aren't templates of any sort.

[phoenix self storage]

That is just so bad. I hope his conscience would hunt him.

[Fatty Liver Disease Diet]

Love the verbal beat down! But at least it's just a bag and not your life that was stolen!

DJ

[StaceyP]

What are the chances that my 10 month old daughter would drop my LV wallet w/ my house key, car key, and SecurID key along with driver's license and a debit card and someone with no conscience would take it and not return it or yell "hey lady your daughter dropped your wallet!" So, to make myself feel better I typed in "the person that stole my Louis Vuitton wallet will have horrible karma" and your hilarious letter (sure not funny whatsoever when you wrote it) pops up. Thanks for making me feel a teensy weensy bit better that it was just my little LV wallet and not my entire bag. I hope that person that stole your entire purse is someone's biotch in prison!

[Melanie]

That just happened to me yesterday but they fucking destroyed my window and stole it out of my hiding spot in my car! I hope karma gets them too!