Manic Monday: Reality and Authority

One of the most frustrating things about youngest's illness is his uneasy relationship with reality. Oftentimes, dealing with his rageful rants would be funny, if it weren't really happening, and happening to me. For those just tuning in, my youngest son has been diagnosed with Early Onset Bipolar Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, and an anxiety disorder; his combination of disorders makes life here interesting and uncomfortable on good days and a downright miserable existence on bad ones. Anyway, back to his view of reality. When his frontal lobe is lit up like a Christmas tree, firing neurons that rarely get fired in a normal person's brain, he can see some of the most innocuous situations as conspiracy or neglect or abuse or hate; his paranoia runs higher than a Formula One tachometer. For example, my not dropping everything I'm doing to come unlock the cabinets or the fridge (where we have to keep high-calorie, high-fat, high-carb foods, which is another post altogether) rightnowbecauseI'mstarvingtodeathrightnow means that we are depriving him of food and starving our child and worthy of a call to 911. This view might be humorous. If he were four. He's thirteen. Not funny. Any more.

His tenuous grasp of reality causes an incredible amount of parenting anxiety, not the least of which revolves around authority. Hubby & I have always wanted to raise children who could think for themselves, who could respectfully question authority, who didn't have to bend to authority simply for authority's sake. (I don't necessarily expect them to respect the authority of a seventh-grade reading teacher, for example, who does not know the pronunciation of the the word rendezvous and who cannot reliably execute cause and effect examples, simply because she is a Reading Teacher. This teacher is not may or may not be hypothetical.) Wielding Authority sometimes only requires a Job Title or a College Degree; neither of these things guarantees one an inalienable right to be respected, in my opinion.

However, and it is a large and confounding however, Youngest's poor reality testing makes this teaching impossible for him; he would simply question and reject all authority, regardless of whether said authority warranted questioning. Much as we have altered our discipline to suit each child's personality, we've also found ourselves having to alter our teaching of ideas and principles, teaching Youngest some that are not ones we particularly ascribe to, simply because he lacks the executive functioning to ask the right questions to make situation-based moral decisions. Rarely do I think that "always" and "never" are the correct choices to make. (See? Even in that sentence, I said that I rarely think that, not never.) Often, though, Youngest is capable of only such black & white philosophies that "always" and "never" creep into our teaching more than which I am comfortable. Anxiety and doubt ensue, both of which are banes of my existence.

And so, even as he barrels unwaveringly toward adolescence, we're still making stuff up on the fly. Life lessons have to be slid slyly and hastily into cracks and crevices where they would never come up with normally functioning children. Adjustments to our parenting have to be made constantly, our teachings sometimes shifting like desert sands, whether we agree with them or not. And we live with the anxiety and doubt that surely ensues.

Comments

[viv in nz]

We got a nice combo of autism, high giftedness and dyslexia with a few dashes of phobia and allergies. He's coming up 12 and yeah, life can be "interesting" at times. Fortunately he seems to be coping with the autism through sheer intelligence and the school is coping with the dyslexia so things aren't too bad at present. Unfortunately, the younger one is now exhibiting signs of emotional fragility (along with dyslexia etc). Some days you can't win! Still doesn't sound as bad as what you have to deal with. Keep your pecker up and take care of yourselves.

viv in nz

[RedMolly]

Oh man, Lori, I have the feeling that this sentence

However, and it is a large and confounding however, Youngest's poor reality testing makes this teaching impossible for him; he would simply question and reject all authority, regardless of whether said authority warranted questioning.

is a perfect summing up of the heart of the problem. Youngest is lucky to have someone so perceptive going along for this rough ride with him.

And not that I would ever presume to offer you advice... but does Youngest write or draw? We've found recently that sometimes the only thing that will snap Fisher out of one of his random irrational rage-fits is asking him to go to his computer or sketchbook and write/draw about what he's feeling. I realize that Youngest may not be in a headspace where that's an acceptable outlet to him... I wish I had something more useful to say than I'm feeling for ya.

[Cori]

Wow, that makes my terrible week seem pretty insignificant. I'm sorry.

[not very anon mom]

holy crap lori, i know e.x.a.c.t.l.y what you are dealing with here.

amazing, eh? no amount of reason will work. at that moment.

trust me though, it does sink in - just very slowly