6 Flags, 3 People, 250 Bucks, 2 Thumbs Down

Instead of "2 Thumbs Down," I was going to say, "1 Grand Ass-Rape," but I thought it might scare some people off.

I took Eldest and Middle to Six Flags Over Texas yesterday. For some inexplicable reason, my memory of Six Flags and the disproportionate equation between 'fun' and 'fucked' always seems to fade. It seems to need refreshing every couple of years. This entry, hopefully, will serve to remind me in two years: DON'T DO IT! For people looking for an honest review of Six Flags Over Texas; for people who want to learn what NOT to do in marketing in order to keep happy customers; or for people who just want to hear about my Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day; this post is for you, too.

I was seduced into thinking that a day at Six Flags wouldn't be so bad because they were running an Internet offer whereby everyone could buy a ticket at the "child's price" of $29.99 (as opposed to the regular adult price of $46.99). I also feel compelled to mention that their "child" pricing is based on a height, not age, scale. Anyone over 48" tall must pay for an "adult" ticket. According to growth charts used at Children's Hospital Boston and Colorado, that is the height of an average 6-8 year old. According to Six Flags' pricing, your average-sized 9-year-old should be charged the same price as an adult.

Total price so far: $100.00

We arrived at Six Flags at 10:30 a.m., thirty minutes after park opening. We paid $15 for regular parking in East Egypt. Our other option was $20 for "preferred" or $30 for "valet."

Total price so far: $115.00

After riding the tram from East Egypt to the front gate, we had our sunscreen taken from us at the front gate. Despite there being no mention of it on the website, we weren't allowed to take in our sunscreen because it was in a spray can. We had to buy sunscreen from Six Flags. (BTW, it smelled like Creamsicles... if I'm going to get greasy and smell like Creamsicles, there'd better be whipped cream and something sexual involved!)

Total price so far: $126.00

Immediately upon arriving at the gate, we realized how stinking busy this place was going to be. Saturdays are one thing, we've gone on a Saturday before, but this was Christian Music Weekend, there were church groups from all over Texas and Oklahoma there. Line waits were already outrageous. We rode one ride, The Flashback, and then it was lunchtime. Middle and I ate at Panda Express, Eldest had a pretzel, and we split one large drink. We waited in line for 30 minutes, and lunch cost $30.

Total price so far: $156.00

The three of us decided that we would eat a tiny, shared dinner in order to purchase Speedpasses, which ostensibly would help our chances of getting on rides in a more timely fashion. Since we had used Walt Disney World's FastPass system in 2005, we were naive enough to think we would receive the same benefits this time. However, there are two very important differences in The WDW FastPass system and the Six Flags' Speedpass system that affect your experience. First, there is no charge for WDW FastPass; it is included in your ticket price. Speedpasses will set you back, for the option that works most like the FastPass, $32 for the first person, then $17 per each additional guest. Second, WDW's return times on the FastPass is a one-hour window. As soon as your one-hour window arrives, you may make another ride reservation. This allows you to make a new ride reservation before getting in line to ride your currently reserved ride. Six Flags gives you a precise time to be at your ride, and you may not reserve another ride until after you have checked in to the line at your currently reserved ride. In the eight hours we had our Speedpasses, we were able to make 3 ride reservations.

Total price so far: $222.00

At each of the "main attraction" rides, you can no longer leave any personal belongings on the platform when you ride. You are required to purchase a ride locker (only good for 2 hours, so you can't even squeeze two rides out of a locker rental) for $1.00 per ride. We had to do this for Batman: The Ride, Mr. Freeze, and The Titan. We also shared a "Texas-sized" frozen lemonade: approximately 20 oz. for $5.25.

Total price so far: $230.00

We shared a dinner of amazingly tasty Johnny Rocket's fries and onion rings and a large Coke. Although this was about $11.00, it was far and away the tastiest food we experienced while we were there.

Total price so far: $241.00

After leaving the park, we stopped for food at Whataburger & Pizza Hut. We spent $9.00. Jeebus, shit in the real world is cheap! Heh.

Total price tag on the day: $250.00
Total time spent at Six Flags (including travel time): 14 hours
Total time spent on rides at Six Flags: less than 15 minutes

Worth it? Not on your life. My advice would be to spend your nearly-$100-per-person somewhere else.

We've decided that Six Flags is like getting a cheap hooker and Disney World is like a high-priced escort. With both you're getting screwed out of a chunk of money, but with one, you get a down & dirty experience and you're ashamed afterward, vowing to never make that mistake again, and with the other, you get seduction, foreplay, and thrills, and you want to go back for more. I feel like I need a shower.

Comments

[Mimi]

Thanks for the reminder WHY we never do Six Flags!!!

[RedMolly]

Ohhhhhhh, you are a tougher woman than I... I woulda hightailed it out of there at the mention of "Christian Music Weekend." Although one time I made out with this really cute boy when I went to Great America with my youth group for Christian Music Weekend...

Sorry you had such a craptacular time! And thanks for the warning re: Six Flags over Hell.

[Hinsley Ford]

Lol. Sorry, I felt your frustration, but parts of that post - especially the end - were very funny. At least you have a sense of humor about it. Park ticket prices are ridiculous now. Families should boycott and revolt until they slash prices.

(New reader here!)

[Lori V.]

No prob, Meems... just one of the many free services I offer... like sarcasm! ;-)

[Lori V.]

I would have done the same, Molly, if I hadn't had to wake up at seven damn thirty and driven an hour and a half. Hell, maybe I should have left then BECAUSE I had to wake up at an indecent hour and drive an hour and a half! LOL!

[Lori V.]

Welcome, Hinsley! I hope you'll stick around and read a little. You'll find that a sense of humor about crappy situations is a survival skill in my life! ;-)

[Blue Like the Sky]

I can't stop laughing at the idea of you, Eldest, and Middle at Krischinn Musick Weekind!

In my youth, Molly, making out in "The Cave" at Six Flags was a yearly rite. The longest wait for any ride was about an hour and a half. I have no idea why the place has turned into such a fuck job.

And to think that this industry SINGLEHANDEDLY had enough power to change the Texas school calendar. Amazing.

[Lori V.]

Ummmm, yeah. We fit in really well, let me tell you. One upside, we didn't get "witnessed to" once!

[David]

I agree!! Six Flags is trying to nickel and dime you to death. I've grown up going to Six Flags and it has really gone down hill. I remember the Cave ride and the other neat rides that are no longer there. Six Flags has lost it's charm. It used to be a FUN place to go but not any more. You're better off going to Disney.