Am I an Insensitive Heel?

I got a call last night from my sister to tell me that my grandmother was in the last stage of dying. She had COPD and CHF. She had refused to be put on a ventilator a couple of weeks ago, only using the mask or the nasal cannula for oxygen, then refused a mask. It was not a pretty way to die, slowly suffocating. She hadn't eaten in four days. She was on high doses of morphine. We knew it was coming, just not when. In the middle of the night, another call. Nanny died.

Like most people who have had family members die, I thought back to when I last saw her. It was a good visit, positive and upbeat. It was this summer, before she succumbed so heavily to the COPD. I want to leave it at that. I don't want to spend $600 on a last-minute plane ticket to go to a tearful, depressing funeral. I'm happy that Nanny is gone to... wherever she's gone; she no longer has to feel like she's trying to breathe underwater with tie-wraps around her chest.

Don't get me wrong. I will miss her. But, we were never super-close; for the first ten or so years of my life, we called her "Grandmother."  She was, emotionally, a tough nut to crack. She wasn't terribly affectionate, but I knew she loved me. She was always in my corner in a tough situation; we were both kind of matter-of-fact (which is why I think she would completely understand the hesitation to fly out for her funeral). .

For as long as I can remember, I've not been able to cry at a funeral. I just can't do it. Maybe it's because no one close to me has died suddenly or "needlessly." They were all sick, with plenty of suffering and warning that they were dying, and I was just happy that they weren't still suffering. The crying we do at funerals is a waste to me; I'd rather think of the person who died than what I want. I'd rather them be at peace and rest than fret over "poor me" and how I will make it in this world without them. That will probably all change if my husband or a child dies, but for now, I don't think of myself. I am quite utilitarian in many ways.

So, I will probably spend $600 on a plane ticket to go to a funeral I don't want to go to, likely one that Nanny wouldn't have wanted, so that I can be there for the other family members who will be a crying mess. And I will feel uncomfortable with the crying. And I will wish I was still here at home. Does that make me an insensitive heel? Or does it make me a sellout for suspending my feelings and beliefs to serve the others'? Or just a normal conflicted human being?

Comments

[vigilant20]

I don't see attending funerals as mandatory either. Funerals are for mourners, and if you have made your peace it's not going to do you any good.

[vera]

I don't think you are insensitive...I feel the same way about funerals too.

[Deb]

My vote is for "Normal, conflicted, human being". It's completely normal to resist participating in something that you believe holds no meaning for either you or your loved one (Nanny). It's also normal to do things that you don't want to do, in support of those other loved ones that do find meaning there (that's called "Being a Grown-Up"). I don't think it's a sell-out at all, particularly in the context of the emotional costs to be borne if you opt out, both for you and for the people that misinterpret or resent your absence.

[Lynne Marie]

I was super close to my Granny, but, when she died, I opted to hold my own memorial for her, rather than drive four hours back to be with everyone else. My reasons were many. In the end, I think I did the right thing.

We all grieve differently, and I think what's most important is how we related with and honored our friends and family when they were alive. Funerals, in my experience, often push other people's agendas. (For instance, for both my grandparents' funerals, relatives from far away and near showed up to pay their respects. Where were they in the years before?)

[RedMolly]

I don't think you're being insensitive at all. My sister, brother and I, along with one of my other cousins, were the only representatives of our generation at my grandfather's memorial service, and I don't think anyone said a thing about it. We grieve in our own ways; it's no one else's responsibility, or right, to judge how we handle our loss.

Peace to you and your family.

[jak]

I have always struggled at funeruls as well. they seem like such an unnatural setting to grieve or celebrate the life of anyone at. i wish you luck in dealing with the pain and/or discomfort.