Do You Realize?

Pet Peeve #27

What I'm about to say is probably going to seem horrible to some, outrageous to others, but that's okay with me.

I am sick of hearing about "autism this" and "autism that" and how terrible autism is and how it is such a devastating illness with no cause and no cure and blah, blah, blah... Yeah, I get it. People with autism lead a spectacularly different life. But let's get something straight. I would trade my son's diagnoses for autism any day. It would take me about a millisecond to make that particular decision. Oddly enough, I think a lot of parents of autistics don't want pity; it's the autism fundraisers proclaiming what a blight this illness is upon the lives of beautiful children that get me.

Before you jump on the mommyblogger "she's bashing autism" bandwagon, take a minute to listen. I have no problem with the idea that living with autism is uncomfortable, strange, and confusing. But until your autistic son is specifically NOT invited to a family reunion because of his autism, don't cry to me about how devastating this autism thing is. Until you've actually contemplated the legality of future mandatory sterilization for your 12-year-old because the thought of him procreating scares the hell out of you, don't whine about how watching your autistic child struggle with making friends makes you want to cry. Until your autistic child cuts himself to see how it would feel, or tries to jump out his second-story bedroom window in a delusional manic rage, I don't want to hear about how terribly frightening autism statistics are. Autism, my friends, is like Bipolar Lite. All the quirky character flaws, none of the terrifying mood fluctuations. Count your autistic blessings. Count them one by one.

Social awkwardness? On the Bipolar menu, you get that plus a side order of frontal lobe impairment, which causes my child to actually act out or loudly voice his inappropriate thoughts.

Lack of or delay in spoken language? If your other option was a barrage of hate-filled vitriol possibly lasting for hours, then a tsunami of sorrow washing through, choking every word with despair and self-loathing, would you take that instead?

Little or no eye contact? I'd wet myself with relief if my child couldn't look me in the eyes when he tells me things I know for certain are not true, because it would mean he knew they weren't true, too. As it is, he is truly convinced of his own brand of reality, and it almost never matches the reality of the people around him. And he'll look you in the eye and tell you all of it, because it is his reality as his brain has processed it.

So, while I understand the discomfort and confusion surrounding parents of kids with autism, I don't feel sorry for them. Maybe I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself some days.

6 Flags, 3 People, 250 Bucks, 2 Thumbs Down

Instead of "2 Thumbs Down," I was going to say, "1 Grand Ass-Rape," but I thought it might scare some people off.

I took Eldest and Middle to Six Flags Over Texas yesterday. For some inexplicable reason, my memory of Six Flags and the disproportionate equation between 'fun' and 'fucked' always seems to fade. It seems to need refreshing every couple of years. This entry, hopefully, will serve to remind me in two years: DON'T DO IT! For people looking for an honest review of Six Flags Over Texas; for people who want to learn what NOT to do in marketing in order to keep happy customers; or for people who just want to hear about my Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day; this post is for you, too.

I was seduced into thinking that a day at Six Flags wouldn't be so bad because they were running an Internet offer whereby everyone could buy a ticket at the "child's price" of $29.99 (as opposed to the regular adult price of $46.99). I also feel compelled to mention that their "child" pricing is based on a height, not age, scale. Anyone over 48" tall must pay for an "adult" ticket. According to growth charts used at Children's Hospital Boston and Colorado, that is the height of an average 6-8 year old. According to Six Flags' pricing, your average-sized 9-year-old should be charged the same price as an adult.

Total price so far: $100.00

We arrived at Six Flags at 10:30 a.m., thirty minutes after park opening. We paid $15 for regular parking in East Egypt. Our other option was $20 for "preferred" or $30 for "valet."

Total price so far: $115.00

After riding the tram from East Egypt to the front gate, we had our sunscreen taken from us at the front gate. Despite there being no mention of it on the website, we weren't allowed to take in our sunscreen because it was in a spray can. We had to buy sunscreen from Six Flags. (BTW, it smelled like Creamsicles... if I'm going to get greasy and smell like Creamsicles, there'd better be whipped cream and something sexual involved!)

Total price so far: $126.00

Immediately upon arriving at the gate, we realized how stinking busy this place was going to be. Saturdays are one thing, we've gone on a Saturday before, but this was Christian Music Weekend, there were church groups from all over Texas and Oklahoma there. Line waits were already outrageous. We rode one ride, The Flashback, and then it was lunchtime. Middle and I ate at Panda Express, Eldest had a pretzel, and we split one large drink. We waited in line for 30 minutes, and lunch cost $30.

Total price so far: $156.00

The three of us decided that we would eat a tiny, shared dinner in order to purchase Speedpasses, which ostensibly would help our chances of getting on rides in a more timely fashion. Since we had used Walt Disney World's FastPass system in 2005, we were naive enough to think we would receive the same benefits this time. However, there are two very important differences in The WDW FastPass system and the Six Flags' Speedpass system that affect your experience. First, there is no charge for WDW FastPass; it is included in your ticket price. Speedpasses will set you back, for the option that works most like the FastPass, $32 for the first person, then $17 per each additional guest. Second, WDW's return times on the FastPass is a one-hour window. As soon as your one-hour window arrives, you may make another ride reservation. This allows you to make a new ride reservation before getting in line to ride your currently reserved ride. Six Flags gives you a precise time to be at your ride, and you may not reserve another ride until after you have checked in to the line at your currently reserved ride. In the eight hours we had our Speedpasses, we were able to make 3 ride reservations.

Total price so far: $222.00

At each of the "main attraction" rides, you can no longer leave any personal belongings on the platform when you ride. You are required to purchase a ride locker (only good for 2 hours, so you can't even squeeze two rides out of a locker rental) for $1.00 per ride. We had to do this for Batman: The Ride, Mr. Freeze, and The Titan. We also shared a "Texas-sized" frozen lemonade: approximately 20 oz. for $5.25.

Total price so far: $230.00

We shared a dinner of amazingly tasty Johnny Rocket's fries and onion rings and a large Coke. Although this was about $11.00, it was far and away the tastiest food we experienced while we were there.

Total price so far: $241.00

After leaving the park, we stopped for food at Whataburger & Pizza Hut. We spent $9.00. Jeebus, shit in the real world is cheap! Heh.

Total price tag on the day: $250.00
Total time spent at Six Flags (including travel time): 14 hours
Total time spent on rides at Six Flags: less than 15 minutes

Worth it? Not on your life. My advice would be to spend your nearly-$100-per-person somewhere else.

We've decided that Six Flags is like getting a cheap hooker and Disney World is like a high-priced escort. With both you're getting screwed out of a chunk of money, but with one, you get a down & dirty experience and you're ashamed afterward, vowing to never make that mistake again, and with the other, you get seduction, foreplay, and thrills, and you want to go back for more. I feel like I need a shower.

ELF gives the environmental movement a bad name!

Today's Blogiversary Giveaway is Diane MacEachern's new book, Big Green Purse. Running a website by the same name, MacEachern takes a common sense approach to teaching women the power of their purchasing decisions as the main spenders in a household. I will be reviewing the book later, but I haven't gotten to read as far into it as I'd like yet. So far, I like it, though. As per the rest of the week, you have to comment to win!

Reading the news today that five multi-million-dollar homes in Seattle were torched, presumably by the Earth Liberation Front, with a note left behind signed, "ELF", made me sad and furious at once. Burning buildings (complete with greenhouse gas emissions, particulate matter pollution, and wasted water) under the pretense of saving the environment is akin to killing an abortion doctor to save lives. Actually, it's more ridiculous, since a large part of the environmental damage attributed to the building has already happened.

I want to tell these people to get a grip on themselves and on reality. They are not making a point (at least not the point they want to make).

(On the other hand, the Justice Department calls them "domestic terrorists?" You mean like Timothy McVeigh, who killed 168 and injured 800+ people in Oklahoma City in 1995? Or Ted Kaczynski, who killed three and injured twenty-three? ELF goes to great pains to make certain that no life is taken or physically harmed during their arson attacks. Come on. I hardly think they compare to the aforementioned domestic terrorists.)

The tightening of the wingnuts

I've been surfing this morning, and the waves are high and treacherous .

Have you noticed that when a person can't poke holes in a politician's policies or the job they've done/are doing, they resort to trying to poke holes in their private lives?

Hate-filled fundies have done their best now to prove Obama attended a madrasa, that he's not a "true" Christian or that his church is racist against whites, and now this man has made not one, but two, YouTube videos claiming to have had a coke-crack-and-fellatio-fest with Barack in the back of his limo.

Let me just go on record as saying that if this story is, indeed, true, that Larry Sinclair is the singular highest form of idiot: one who doesn't know the monetary gains of true blackmail. Okay, that was a joke, but this isn't. If I have solid, proof-backed claims of misconduct of such a well-known figure, I know I'm headed to the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time, Newsweek. But Larry? His exposure of choice is YouTube, where any jackass with a cameraphone is a celebrity in their own mind. We teach our kids to ignore schoolyard taunting, and yet there are people out there who want Obama to respond to this? Right now? Shall he drop his campaign duties and make himself a YouTube response video?

On one wingnut delicious Republican site, which I shall not publicize, I found not only the Larry Sinclair breaking news, but also this bullshit juicy little morsel (which I've picked apart and provided responses) about hatemonger Fred Phelps being a registered Democrat:

Quick question, why do the Democrat candidates for President refuse to condemn the antics of the Leftist religious groups in their party?

I hardly think not taking the time to specifically address Phelps publicly constitutes a refusal to condemn the man and his hateful brood. And is there any such thing as a "Leftist religious group?" Also, if you truly think this is a "quick question," you're completely lacking in anything resembling intelligence.

Is there anyone more disgusting than their Westboro Baptist Church backers?

No. No, there isn't. Except maybe murderers and rapists and the pedophile pervert that recently found my site after searching for the words "underage cunt hole." (Boy, he was disappointed!) Those people may give Fred a run for his money.

Why will they not kick Fred Phelps to the curb? Is it because his hate is exactly like theirs, well except for hating FAGS? Is it because he uses their playbook religiously?

I'd like some clear proof, or at least a semblence of examples, of the accusation that he "uses their playbook religiously," and the "hating FAGS" is where he's more like the redneck fundies who pen entries like the one I'm addressing.

Will the Clintons return the money that Phelps gave them?

I tried at opensecrets.org to find that money, and I couldn't. Besides, Phelps has very openly been "anti-Clinton" once he realized Bill didn't espouse the same, errr, virtues as ol' Fred did.

Will Phelps again get invited to the White House if Hillary is elected like he did when Bill was? Will Phelps send his son to Hillary's inauguration like he did to Bill's first?

A Phelps may have, indeed, showed up at Bill's first inauguration. The one-sided love affair didn't last long. Fred's Westboro Baptist Church picketed Bill's mother's funeral, as well as Al Gore's father's funeral. I suspect he won't show up in support of Hillary any time soon.

I just want to know why homosexual groups refuse to try to kick him out of the party. I mean, is getting elected so important to them that they will allow Phelps and all the other hate groups (KKK, NAACP, etal) to continue to be the majority of their party?

Is it even possible to kick someone out of a political party? We are not the Pope; we cannot excommunicate someone who's simply chosen to keep the word "Democrat" on his voter registration card out of spite. And, are the Democrats so popular as to attract both the KKK and the NAACP? Seems like, despite its early Democratic implications, the KKK today attracts many more conservatives than liberals to its ranks.

Please, if there is a single Democrat that knows these answers, let me know. I just can't come up with one good reason why there is actually a group with so much hate amongst them.

I can't come up with a good reason for the existence of hate groups, either. But the fundies and their "Obamanation" agenda should recognize some parallels.

First and foremost, anyone who believes that Fred Phelps adheres to any political party's true ideals needs to be shot. Fred Phelps adheres to only one agenda: his own. I don't accept him as a true Democrat any more than I would be stupid enough to suggest he were a true Republican. Yes, his voter registration card (which is how old if Phelps is pushing 70?) says "Democrat." I like how Mother Jones stated it in 1999: "He still calls himself a Democrat, refusing to change just because his party has." If you look at Fred Phelps's beliefs, they are far and away closer to the right than the left: extreme religiosity, anti-homosexual, racist. But, again, remember I said I don't think he's truly representative of either legitimate political party.

Second, quickly addressing Obama's "clear" disrespect for white Christians everywhere, let's suppose he was, heaven forbid, NOT a Christian. Does our Constitution not declare that he should be able to choose any religion he wishes? Does our legal definition of who can hold the office of President of the United States include that (s)he must be a Christian? NO. Even if he were Muslim, he would be afforded that right by our Constitution, just as I'm allowed to carry my AK-47 squirrel hunting if I so choose. The problem is extremism, and I boldly declare that any religious extremist is dangerous. A fundamental Christian nut who bombs abortion clinics in God's name is no different to me than a fundamental Muslim nut who bombs the pet market in Allah's name.

A Super Tuesday Ten

In honor of Super Tuesday, I thought I'd whip up ten of my favorite quotes from our lovely host of candidates.

1. Mike Huckabee:  "I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it is a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God, and that's what we need to do, is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards, rather than change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view of how we treat each other and how we treat the family." (So, Mikey... would stoning adulterers and killing witches be inserted before or after the Freedom of Religion amendment?)

2. Mitt Romney: "I want our kids to know how to Google and Yahoo and everything else, so that when they do a report on George Washington, they don't have to go to the encyclopedia, but they can go to the Wikipedia and they can learn what's happening on an online basis as kids around the world are doing." (Um, Mitt... the Wikipedia is not really known for being a bastion of thoroughness. Maybe you checked out the Wikipedia definition for the Wikipedia and saw how cool it was!)

3. Hillary Clinton: "It did take a Clinton to clean up after the first Bush, and I think it might take a second one to clean up after the second Bush." (Snort! That's all... just... Snort!)

4. Barack Obama: "I respect that John McCain, in the first two rounds of Bush tax cuts, said it is irresponsible that we have never before cut taxes at the same time as we're going into war. And somewhere along the line, the "Straight Talk Express" lost some wheels and now he is in favor of extending Bush tax cuts that went to some of the wealthiest Americans who don't need them and were not even asking for them." (Senator thinks John McCain could use the political equivalent of AAA.)

5. John McCain: “Only the most deluded of us could doubt the necessity of this war.” (Was he sniffing white-out fluid before he said this, or having an afternoon tryst with GW?)

6. Mike Huckabee: "And the ultimate thing is, I may not be the expert that some people are on foreign policy, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night." (Ummmmm, WTF does that have to do with anything, asshat?)

7. Mitt Romney: "My sons are all adults and they've made decisions about their careers and they've chosen not to serve in the military and active duty and I respect their decision in that regard. One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president." (But he still wants our troops to stay... hey, Mitt, the soldiers are committing suicide too quickly... can you spare a couple of your sons for Second-String?)

8. Hillary Clinton: "I'm sick and tired of people who say that if you debate and disagree with this administration, somehow you're not patriotic. We need to stand up and say we're Americans, and we have the right to debate and disagree with any administration." (I'll bet the same twatwaffles who threatened the Dixie Chick's lives for being unpatriotic (Freedom of Speech, hello?) could spew verbatim our right to bear arms.)

9. Barack Obama: "What Washington needs is adult supervision." (No kidding, Barack, I'm glad you're offering!)

10. John McCain: "The United States military could stay in Iraq for maybe a hundred years and that would be fine with me." (That's nice, Senator. We've decided to start drafting men over 50.)

**Favorite Presidential Quote not made by a Presidential candidate, made by the character Grace on "Will & Grace":  "I had another sex dream last night. This time, I was in the shower with Barack Obama. And... O-bama! He was ba-rockin' my world!"

Sunday Scribblings--Foul

People are occasionally taken aback by my foul mouth. I fully believe that curse words, in and of themselves, serve a useful purpose and that people who are offended by them are pussies, should get the hell over it already, and shut the fuck up. I tend to also harbor the theory that people who are offended by curse words must believe they themselves are defined by those words.

Certainly, there are words in the English language that serve no purpose other than to insult or pain other people. These are the words about which people should be worrying: Nigger, kike, spic, wetback, et al. True, these are also just words, but they were imagined for no useful purpose other than to promote a hateful agenda (which is why I don't include the words fag or faggot, which were actual words which were adopted and bastardized for nefarious purposes). Curse words, on the other hand, have purposes. For brevity, I'll cover just a few targeted by the FCC.

Take, for example, the word shit. It is a synonym for more mundane words like stuff or things (i.e. "Get your shit together and get out!"). It is also a synonym for excrement, and, frankly, the words poop, doody, and poo poo and are more offensive to my intelligence than shit. The only reason for anyone to be offended by this word is if they are being called "shit" unfairly (you can't really be offended if it's warranted, though).

What about fuck? It, too, is simply a synonym for other, more quotidian words. Even those who claim to be offended by the word fuck, if being honest, have to marvel at the sheer versatility of this word. No other word in the English vernacular can be used as so many different parts of speech. We hold great admiration for people who show as much versatility; why shouldn't we afford the same esteem to the word fuck?

Ah, and then there's the grande dame of all dirty words, the one that offends most of all: cunt. Although I can't say I often (if ever) run across the need for this word (remember, I said curse words are utilitarian), it's still just a word, people. Get over it. Say it. Bunt, hunt, runt, stunt, cunt. It's not a particularly elegant-sounding word; it's somewhat clunky and abrupt, but therein lies its usefulness. By the time you are frustrated enough to need the word cunt, using its more workaday relative bitch or its more British-sounding (and therefore more elegant-sounding) cousin twat just won't suffice. One who is opposed to the word cunt may try to argue that it, like the aforementioned general hate words, is designed to demean and malign a person, but that would be oversimplifying reality. A person who has done something so outrageous and hideous as to qualify as a cunt is deserving of such; no one deserves to be called a nigger (which, if you'll notice, is not a synonym for any another word, and therefore will never prove useful for anything other than hate promotion). 

Many who are offended by curse words posit that, because there are other, less abrasive words which mean the same thing, we should be able to use those words instead. I'm sorry, folks, but if I stub my ingrown toenail and can see nothing at the moment but pretty stars and colorful fireworks, golly, poop, or doody just isn't going to cut it. And, although I haven't often had to reach for this word, if I happen to see Ann Coulter on the street (or even on television), there's really no other word that can encompass her vileness quite as thoroughly as cunt.

A note on the Dems, and a couple of gems

Anybody watch Hillary and Barack last night? I heard the first 30 or 45 minutes on XM but I haven't gotten to watch it on DirecTV yet. I'm looking forward to hearing it, since their views are seemingly so similar on a lot of issues. I do plan on posting my impressions, but I have a bazillion errands to run today, and we have an appointment in Dallas tonight, so it may be tomorrow or Sunday.

I did want to make mention of the abominable new lows to which overseas terrorists in Baghdad are stooping. Where do people come up with an idea like: "Hey, let's strap up a couple of mentally retarded women, send them into the city's pet market, then blow them up by remote control?"  It's also pissing me off that some of the media are calling them "suicide bombers." I'm sorry, but I don't see mentally handicapped women making that sort of decision; this was murder, pure & evil.

And, speaking of evil, ask me how badly Exxon and their record profits make me want to vomit. Go ahead, just ask.

Finally, just consider the photo included in this article. Where's the grass these cows are supposed to be grazing on? Trees for shade? A pond or two? This is what we subject a majority of the nation's cattle to during their final days & weeks, just for a tasty burger. Pasture fed-and-finished beef is readily available nationwide now; there's no excuse for feedlots.

Children's Gift Giving for Dummies

Our strategy for buying our kids' Christmas gifts has been in the process of fine-tuning for a few years. We now have what I consider a pretty brilliant idea. It keeps yearlong consumerism to a minimum and the kids end up getting what they want at Christmas.

The strategy? you ask. It's simple: don't buy them everything they want all year long. If it's not birthday or Christmas or a cold day in hell, it's not likely we're out buying a video game just because one of our precious pumpkins just HAAAAAS to HAAAAVE it. They can save up their chore money for it... which poses a problem for them most times, because we actually require work for payment rendered.

So, come Christmas, we have a very good list of pickings from which to choose. It looks like we spoil our kids at Christmas sometimes, but it's because we neglect them the rest of the year. (Well, at least that would be their story.) We give them one large gift on their birthday, but we haven't done (or overdone) a birthday party since they were five. They get to choose where/what we eat on their birthday, and they get their one large gift.

On Christmas morning, our kids are usually overjoyed with their gifts, because they aren't inundated and oversaturated with crap all year long.

(We also adopt as many kids as we can from the Salvation Army Angel Tree, and we shop for them together, and then we volunteer our time to help distribute all the toys to the families. It's  a great way to help the kids realize how good we live life.)

In the Holiday Spirit(s)

Once upon a time, my husband & I would have never even thought about going to holiday parties. We're friendly people, you see, just not social people. This year we have/will attend three. Three different friends, three very different parties.

The first party we attended was a conservative affair, hosted by very conservative friends. Dressy, formal home, no babies/little kids, piano player, catered, a little wine & beer. Perfectly lovely. I even clean up pretty well & put on a good show of being civilized, and I never once goaded anyone into talking politics or religion. We love these friends (also our orthodontist... all three kids and hubby), and despite our huge differences of opinion regarding politics and religion, they've never made us feel uncomfortable when we talk about it. (We think maybe we are their only liberal friends, though.)

The second party we attended? Lots of boisterous adults, kids playing Guitar Hero, handmade (and bought) munchies, disco, and plenty of alcoholic cheer. No one thought twice about my letting Eldest have one drink even though she's underage (we're those "bad" parents who teach moderation and responsible use, not abstinence). I had waaaay too much alcohol (at last count, 8 Midori Sours, 3 Buttery Nipples, 2 vodka jello shots, and a glass of Muscato), and a lot of fun. The host, also a doctor, offered a thousand bucks to the first person to swim one pool length in their underwear. We are definitely not their only liberal friends.

The last gathering we'll attend (she would die before calling it a party) will be a Festivus celebration. In my friend's words, "when I care enough to do the very least." Complete with Festivus pole and food (and wine) from boxes, this party is always very laid-back and comfy. We can sit in the living room or in the floor & drink a glass of wine; we can dress up or dress down. It's all good. It won't be rowdy, and there will be plenty of intelligent conversations going on.

Here's to friends of all age, intelligence, religion, political affiliation, and sexual orientation. None of us would be who we are without them!

Sullying My Good Name

Don't you hate it when someone with your name does something reprehensible and loathsome and lands in the middle of a national scandal/debacle/debate/investigation?

I do. There's something a little unnerving about reading your name in relation to something heinous.