The journey of a life. (For Eldest...)

Today I'm on a journey.  I'm on a physical, six hour journey to what right now seems to be the end of the earth. I'm on an emotional, seventeen-years-in-the-making journey to what right now seems to be an impossible acceptance. I'm driving Eldest, my firstborn, my magical girl, to college.

What will happen when we get there?

Will I choke? Will it be upon words that I haven't said, out of pride, or on words that I have said, in anger?

Will I cry? Will they be tears of relief, knowing that she possesses the heart of a warrior, or will they be tears of despair, knowing that she also possesses the heart of a little girl?

Will I die? Will my heart implode, folding upon itself from the weight of her leaving, or will it explode like so much dynamite with the joy of vicarious freedom?

I have known, or should have known, for seventeen years that this day would come. How selfish of me now to feel that I am being cheated out of one last year with her. Heaven (if there is such a Place) knows that I have all-to-easily and glibly voiced my desire for this day to hurry up. How silly of me now to wish it away.

But I am. And I do. Because this journey is not mine alone, nor the accompanying feelings. This is a journey that has been made since time immemorial. These are feelings that a multitude of mothers have endured since time began.

Time alone will tell what will happen today. I suspect that, yes, I will choke, and I will cry, and a part of me might die. But another part of me, a part of which I am exceedingly proud, will start to live today.

Comments

[RedMolly]

Congratulations to you and to Eldest both. Yes, this is the end of an era--but it's the beginning of an exciting new one and one that won't fade away as she grows older, but become deeper and more interesting over time.

Love to ya. Have a good trip.

[BlueLikeTheSky]

And the tears are running down my cheeks.

xoxo

[nancy]

Bless your heart. I took the same journey not to long ago and now my "little one" has a job making more than I and will just began Grad School

You are giving her a gift; allowing her to go away to school. She will grow as will you. Talk often, pray hard and she will be just fine.

6 hrs away....that's a quick plane ride.

Hang in there!

[Eldest]

i love-ed you, mommy :)
i know it's going to be tough but us women have to keep out heads high.

we got this.

[Sara]

Hey there - what a wonderful heartbreak. To know you prepared such a woman to enter the world. My babies are already breaking my heart with each conversation about leaving.

Take great pride in the woman you have raised, and know she will be fine and so will you.

[not very anon mom]

once i safely delivered my eldest to college, things were never the same way again. not in a bad way really, but not in a good way either. just different.

i understand how you feel.

[BlueLikeTheSky]

By the way, is there tons of road work or something? The Man recalls making the trip in about 4.5.

Then again, he's a bit of a scofflaw.